Cold Turkey, is it possible?

Before I share with you the meaning of today's title let me say a few words of thanks.  First of all, I started this blog as a way to share funny stories about my kids but it quickly turned into something more.  For me it has been therapeutic for lack of a better description.  I don't know who reads it but knowing that someone does adds a level of accountability in my life that I need.  I have heard from a few this past week with only positive comments about the blog and I thank you.  I heard from one neither positive nor negative just that it was explored.  But there was one, an old friend from back in the day that was particularly touching.  This friend shared that it was nice to know that she was not alone in the single Mom world. Now that sounds obvious that she is not alone.  You only have to turn on 16 and pregnant to know there are lots of single Moms.  But, I totally identify with feeling alone.  I feel that way most of the time.  Friends mean well and want to listen and be supportive but they cannot possibly understand the feeling of having so much responsibility of such precious cargo (kids) all by yourself.  So you know who you are, I salute you and I thank you for taking the time to make your thoughts and feelings known to me.  For those who read this, thank you for taking the time, and for helping me in this wonderfully challenging path.
Now, let's talk cold turkey.  It should come as no surprise to you when I say that I had a particularly challenging session with Ola, therapist extraordinairre, today.  She, as she often does challenged me to something today that  would require me in my opinion to go "Cold Turkey" and stop something that I have been doing and involved in deeply and emotionally for years now.  The challenge is to stop it and do nothing for 3 months.  I know that does not sound like a long time but to me at this moment it feels like an eternity.  I have not had an addiction per say to alcohol, tobacco or drugs but I am addicted to bad relationships so doing nothing for 3 months with regards to relationships is like quitting smoking cold turkey.  I said to Ola,"I will try."  How quickly she corrected me saying, "No, you will do it."  Then followed a really cute illustration involving a chair and trying to get up.  So this got me thinking about the words "I will try."  What I meant was that I would do nothing for as long as I could but I wanted to give myself an out with her in particular since it was her challenge if I failed to do nothing for the entire 3 months.  I needed an escape hatch.  Needless to say, she would not give me one.  So I need your help out there in blog world.  Remind me occasionally to do nothing.  I have now successfully removed the escape hatch myself by sharing this challenge with you.  I know you will want to know how the "cold turkey" thing went and I will be sure to tell you good, bad or ugly, the truth. 
I have to give one more shout out tonight.  This goes to all of my students and to my Noah who did so well on the CRCT.  Scores came back today and I have to tell you that proud does not even begin to describe what I am feeling right now.  I had one student of mine that earned a perfect score on the Science CRCT and my little Noah, who God love him, struggles in school with his ADHD and his small stature exceeded in both Science and Social Studies and was 2 points away from exceeding in Math.  He passed everything with flying colors.  I have to also say that all of my Science students especially my Sp. Ed. kids did really well.  If I could get away with kissing them all I surely would.  I am one proud Mama and Teacher today.  I sure hope that my kiddos are proud of themselves. 

Is there such a thing as perfect?

    Today, was, in my opinion a perfect day from beginning to end.  I woke this morning to Abby whispering "Mommy, whatever you do, don't go downstairs."  I know, right, I should have been scared and rushed right down the stairs but somehow I was not worried at all.  I could only smile at how cute she was.  I could tell that cooking was going on and there was a lot of activity going on downstairs.  It seems that Jackson woke everybody up this morning including himself via an alarm clock, I did not know he knew how to use one, and organized the whole thing.  He thought that cooking 3 eggs was enough for a family of five and he made way too much toast but it was the best breakfast I have ever had.  The kids cleaned up the kitchen which allowed me the time to vacuum my car.  While I vacuumed they played with Abby's pink baseball bat and balls. 
  I cooked shrimp and grits for my brother, sister in law, Granny Ann and Jack.  It was really good and we had fun visiting.  Jackson had band concert so he left a little early and we met him at the PAC for the concert.  As we were getting ready to leave, everybody was watching TRON on the PS3 and I caught the last few minutes.  A line in movie struck me....basically Clu the bad guy was talking to Flynn the good guy.  Flynn explained to Clu that there is no perfect and if you achieve perfection it won't last because it cannot be controlled.  Now, the movie is some video game premise but the line caused me to pause.    I had thought all day long about perfect the day was and that it was the best Mother's Day I can ever remember having.  Literally from start to finish, I loved every single moment.  The kids made the most beautiful gifts and they were so proud of them.  Jackson bought a card and customized it to fit our family and it truly was the perfect card.  I got a dozen yellow roses and orange carnations from Chloe along necklaces that she and Abby made in Art Club that are lovely.  Noah made this wheel of gratitude and was so proud to show me that his favorite line was that I was his hero.  It was just a perfect day.  At the band concert, Jackson presented me with the most beautiful red rose I have ever seen and he looked so handsome in his tux.  We had Chinese food for dinner which is totally my favorite and got through showers with no arguing and fussing.  The little kids went to bed and now the house is quiet. 
  Again, I think of the line in the movie.  I spend so much of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop because it seems that with every good thing there has to be several bad.  Today was different though.  I cannot explain why because I don't know why.  It was just different.  I think that for me the perfection of the day came because there was no control and there was no worry on my part.  Maybe I just had a good night's sleep or something but I did not feel any need to make anything perfect for anyone and I was not at all worried about whether anyone would enjoy themselves.  I simply enjoyed every moment.  So at the end of this day I think that perfection comes when we don't control or attempt to control anything.  We simply exist and accept that which comes our way...the good, the bad and the ugly. I very wise friend of mine, Leigh Snyder of Seattle, Washington, said today was different but restful for her and that things happen for a reason.  She said that eventhough you do not always know the reason, you have to trust that it, whatever it is, is for the best.  Like I said, for me today was perfection.  The only downside is that it has to end. 

Good but Random Thoughts

Today has been a very productive day for me on the homefront as I slept in this morning and then proceeded to clean my house from top to bottom and get a jump start on laundry.  As I was cleaning, I was reminded of a post that a friend of mine, Maureen "Mo" Dwyer put on Facebook.  It said that being alone did not equal lonely unless you do not like the company that you keep.  This made me stop and realize that although I am divorced and frequently alone with kids going to their Dad's and friends with lives that are busy, the days of feeling that bitter pang of loneliness are fewer and farther between.  It is a huge hurdle that I am getting over, this whole learning to love myself and appreciate myself just the way I am.  But I was reminded today that I am managing and learning to appreciate me. This week I found myself with a choice, I could grab a bite of fast food and rush back to the Lodge and help Jackson with DeMolay clean up or I could go and have a quiet dinner all by myself at one of my favorite Chinese places.  It did not take me long to start telling myself I should go help Jackson but ultimately I decided that my nerves needed a break.  I took my book with me and I entered the resturant and enjoyed a delicious meal complete with my favorite sizzling rice soup.  I read a little, watch a little Cake Boss on the TV that was playing and watched the other people in the resturant.  Huge step for me, oh ye who could not stand to be alone, and in a public place no less.  :)
   Tonight a good friend of mine came over and brought her amazing kids to play with mine and as we chatted she shared with me a little of her divorce drama involving an ex-inlaw who felt she was within her rights pass judgment on who my friend could and could not have a relationship with.  As we talked it occurred to me how often we invite others to share their opinions with us when we really don't want  to.  This made me stop and think of a situation that I have written about in this blog before.  A friend of mine, has asked for a suspension of the friendship, blew up at me for no good reason, attempts to apologize via email though from my perspective it is an I am sorry but.....the but of course being that somehow I am responsible and brought it on myself, and will not respect my needs in that contact continues to be made even though I was very clear that I did not want any contact until a decision was made on her part about the friendship. I forwarded some messages that I read that were particularly poignant to this friend and I realized today that by doing that I extended an invitation to her that ultimately caused me more pain.  I have to take ownership of that and learn to be mindful about what I am willing to open myself up to.
   On a funny note, tonight after dinner I took the kids with me to Kroger to do a little grocery shopping.  This is never a good idea for me to as it always ends in my forgetting something vital on my list and leaving the store frustrated and tired.  But I did it anyway.  So we are walking through the store and I have given my kids the speech about not talking to Mommy constantly as it distracts me and makes the visit take longer and I notice that Abby and Chloe are talking.  They are not so much talking to each other but talking.  The conversation goes something like this....Abby:  "I will cut you."  Chloe:  "Security, security, this man has got to go." For those who have not seen Bon Qui Qui on you tube at King Burger, look it up now and watch it.  Once you do, you will appreciate the humor in this story.  Both girls had their heads bobbing and fingers shaking just like Bom Qui Qui.  It was hysterical until I stopped to consider what the other Kroger shavoppers, some who heard my speech about not asking Mommy a 100 questions must have thought listening to them especially if they are not familiar with the Mad TV video of Bon Qui Qui.  I just had to laugh all over again at how crazy we sounded but hey, normal is only a cycle on you washing machine.