Today has been a very productive day for me on the homefront as I slept in this morning and then proceeded to clean my house from top to bottom and get a jump start on laundry. As I was cleaning, I was reminded of a post that a friend of mine, Maureen "Mo" Dwyer put on Facebook. It said that being alone did not equal lonely unless you do not like the company that you keep. This made me stop and realize that although I am divorced and frequently alone with kids going to their Dad's and friends with lives that are busy, the days of feeling that bitter pang of loneliness are fewer and farther between. It is a huge hurdle that I am getting over, this whole learning to love myself and appreciate myself just the way I am. But I was reminded today that I am managing and learning to appreciate me. This week I found myself with a choice, I could grab a bite of fast food and rush back to the Lodge and help Jackson with DeMolay clean up or I could go and have a quiet dinner all by myself at one of my favorite Chinese places. It did not take me long to start telling myself I should go help Jackson but ultimately I decided that my nerves needed a break. I took my book with me and I entered the resturant and enjoyed a delicious meal complete with my favorite sizzling rice soup. I read a little, watch a little Cake Boss on the TV that was playing and watched the other people in the resturant. Huge step for me, oh ye who could not stand to be alone, and in a public place no less. :)
Tonight a good friend of mine came over and brought her amazing kids to play with mine and as we chatted she shared with me a little of her divorce drama involving an ex-inlaw who felt she was within her rights pass judgment on who my friend could and could not have a relationship with. As we talked it occurred to me how often we invite others to share their opinions with us when we really don't want to. This made me stop and think of a situation that I have written about in this blog before. A friend of mine, has asked for a suspension of the friendship, blew up at me for no good reason, attempts to apologize via email though from my perspective it is an I am sorry but.....the but of course being that somehow I am responsible and brought it on myself, and will not respect my needs in that contact continues to be made even though I was very clear that I did not want any contact until a decision was made on her part about the friendship. I forwarded some messages that I read that were particularly poignant to this friend and I realized today that by doing that I extended an invitation to her that ultimately caused me more pain. I have to take ownership of that and learn to be mindful about what I am willing to open myself up to.
On a funny note, tonight after dinner I took the kids with me to Kroger to do a little grocery shopping. This is never a good idea for me to as it always ends in my forgetting something vital on my list and leaving the store frustrated and tired. But I did it anyway. So we are walking through the store and I have given my kids the speech about not talking to Mommy constantly as it distracts me and makes the visit take longer and I notice that Abby and Chloe are talking. They are not so much talking to each other but talking. The conversation goes something like this....Abby: "I will cut you." Chloe: "Security, security, this man has got to go." For those who have not seen Bon Qui Qui on you tube at King Burger, look it up now and watch it. Once you do, you will appreciate the humor in this story. Both girls had their heads bobbing and fingers shaking just like Bom Qui Qui. It was hysterical until I stopped to consider what the other Kroger shavoppers, some who heard my speech about not asking Mommy a 100 questions must have thought listening to them especially if they are not familiar with the Mad TV video of Bon Qui Qui. I just had to laugh all over again at how crazy we sounded but hey, normal is only a cycle on you washing machine.
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