Mr. Sandman bring me a dream...have you ever thought about what that really means? I am thinking of that tonight as I sit in the dark, in my bed listening to the sound of Noah sleeping next to me. It seems that he is very intune to his mother and her moods if you will. I suspect he sensed my apprehension and eventual devastation and wanted too, in his 9 year old way, comfort me. Bring me a dream....such a simple statement but do we really want a dream and if we really want it, is it best for us? I suppose it depends on what the dream is, for instance, I dream of having a PhD one day and if I am really honest I want it in counseling and I want it from the University of Alabama. It is simply not practical for me, at a cost of over $900 a semester hour. What is possible is a EdD. in special education at a rate of just over $300 a semester hour which is cheaper than what I am paying now and in an area near and dear to my heart. That dream is one that is doable and pleasant but requires hard work.
What about the dreams we have that are painful? Confused by that question, you shouldn't be we all have them. You know, they are the ones where we dream that "he" our Prince Charming will sweep us off our feet and we will live happily ever after. We all have those dreams. That dream, well, a more realistic version of it is what keeps me awake this very night. You see, I recently took a huge risk, the details are not important, but it was a huge emotional risk and initially I thought that it had paid off and my dream would come true. What I failed to consider was the possibility that nothing would happen. And you guessed it....nothing happened. I was prepared for my dream to be a reality and I was prepared for my dream not to come to fruition. I was not prepared for the space in between. The nothingness for lack of a better expression.
The word NOTHING, have you ever thought about what it means? According to Webster, one definition is "not any thing, no thing." Another "no part." The one that causes me incredible pain is "one of no interest, value or consequence." Try has I might not to get hung up on that version of nothing, hung is exactly what I am. Nothing happened so therefore I must mean nothing and be of no value or consequence. Now, I am analytical enough to know that while those are the definitions for the word, there are an infinite number of possibilities why nothing happened but the emotional side of me focuses on "of no value or consequence." Ola would say that is a very young feeling and she would be exactly right and what do young children do a lot of.......you guessed it, crying. So cry I did and all it got me was a headache, stuffy nose and really sore under my eyes.
So, I dried up my tears and decided to write. Pain is the gift that precedes growth. I do believe that but is there a way to numb the pain. Will growth be the thing that eases the pain? If so, then can I grow quickly so that the hurt is taken away? I wish that I could and actually I wish that everybody could. I wish for an EASY button. I hope that those of you who read this blog will get something out of it especially this blog and the previous one because both were written at a time of great struggle for me. I hope that my hurt will not be in vain but will be what I need to one, grow myself and two, somehow be a help to someone else. I hope there is a point to my pain that is beyond just me.
I think for tonight I am going pass on asking Mr. Sandman to bring me a dream but rather ask for Divine Order and a peace that passes all understanding. Maybe dreams need to be on hold for a while.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Diary of a Crazy white woman
So. its been a while since I have written. I have kind of been a little busy with kids and a relationship. The new year has gotten me thinking about a lot of things. It seems that the beginning of the year is supposed to be a happy time. I am not always feeling so happy at the start of a new year. This year in particular has been difficult. Last year, I was glad to start a new year because the death of my Dad was really rough and on some level I thought beginning a new year would make that easier. It did not make it any easier.
I have worked so hard this past year on myself. Harder than I have worked on anything in my entire life and that is saying a lot because if you know me at all you know that I am a hard worker. It has been at times unbelievably painful but Ola has continued to preach that pain is a gift that precedes change. I think I get it finally that it is a gift. It is a gift that sometimes just keeps on giving like that damn Energizer bunny but a gift. I can honestly say that in that department I have received many gifts this past year.
Recently, I hurt someone that I care very deeply for. Someone that I probably care for differently more deeply than I have cared for anyone in a long time if ever. It was truly a misunderstanding that led to both parties defending their own pain and old wounds. I however did what I apparently have decided is the thing to do these days and I left. I ended up waking up my brother and sister in law so that I could stay with them because the thought of going home alone was too much. What I should have done was to take a step back, stay put and push for a conversation in the morning to discuss and resolve the issue. I, in my attempt to give the space that was needed, and avoid the drama caused more drama. I guess in reality I am a drama queen. This will be a new years' resolution for me to stop being a drama queen.
This all transpired right around the time that I recieved a compliment from two women. One came from a woman that I would say is a developing friend, who is having some personal issues right now and she said that she hoped that she could deal with these issues like me. I had to laugh because OMG am I not a role model for anyone on how to deal with anything. Hence the title of this blog. And then Ola, who probably at this point knows me better than anyone, said to me that my soul was shining. I am moved to tears every time I think about that. She also said that she could just imagine that I was a wonderful friend, mother, girlfriend, neighbor, so committed to self awareness and doing right by others.
Funny that I feel like a failure at all of those things. My neighbors here do not like me at all, my friendships have changed so much this year and I have two failed love relationships and probably if the truth be told I am in the process of ruining this one too, it just hasn't happened yet and I feel like I daily fail my children.
So my question is this......am I a crazy white woman? Do other people struggle with these things? I look at people and I think that they all have life and relationships figured out and I cannot seem to get a handle on anything. I guess I must cover it pretty well if there is even one person who wants to handle anything the way I do.
I think another new years resolution for me needs to be to see myself in a little better light and maybe that change my attitude toward this new beginning. Right now I am not feeling so happy and optimistic and definitely not wanting to party and celebrate. Any comments you have would be welcome. And, because it is customary, Happy New Year.
I have worked so hard this past year on myself. Harder than I have worked on anything in my entire life and that is saying a lot because if you know me at all you know that I am a hard worker. It has been at times unbelievably painful but Ola has continued to preach that pain is a gift that precedes change. I think I get it finally that it is a gift. It is a gift that sometimes just keeps on giving like that damn Energizer bunny but a gift. I can honestly say that in that department I have received many gifts this past year.
Recently, I hurt someone that I care very deeply for. Someone that I probably care for differently more deeply than I have cared for anyone in a long time if ever. It was truly a misunderstanding that led to both parties defending their own pain and old wounds. I however did what I apparently have decided is the thing to do these days and I left. I ended up waking up my brother and sister in law so that I could stay with them because the thought of going home alone was too much. What I should have done was to take a step back, stay put and push for a conversation in the morning to discuss and resolve the issue. I, in my attempt to give the space that was needed, and avoid the drama caused more drama. I guess in reality I am a drama queen. This will be a new years' resolution for me to stop being a drama queen.
This all transpired right around the time that I recieved a compliment from two women. One came from a woman that I would say is a developing friend, who is having some personal issues right now and she said that she hoped that she could deal with these issues like me. I had to laugh because OMG am I not a role model for anyone on how to deal with anything. Hence the title of this blog. And then Ola, who probably at this point knows me better than anyone, said to me that my soul was shining. I am moved to tears every time I think about that. She also said that she could just imagine that I was a wonderful friend, mother, girlfriend, neighbor, so committed to self awareness and doing right by others.
Funny that I feel like a failure at all of those things. My neighbors here do not like me at all, my friendships have changed so much this year and I have two failed love relationships and probably if the truth be told I am in the process of ruining this one too, it just hasn't happened yet and I feel like I daily fail my children.
So my question is this......am I a crazy white woman? Do other people struggle with these things? I look at people and I think that they all have life and relationships figured out and I cannot seem to get a handle on anything. I guess I must cover it pretty well if there is even one person who wants to handle anything the way I do.
I think another new years resolution for me needs to be to see myself in a little better light and maybe that change my attitude toward this new beginning. Right now I am not feeling so happy and optimistic and definitely not wanting to party and celebrate. Any comments you have would be welcome. And, because it is customary, Happy New Year.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Juggling Act
So, I have not updated this blog in quite a while and I am sorry for that. I have been right in the middle of a great juggling act. My screen on my laptop just out of the blue went black one night. So I had to spend $600 and buy a new one. Not something that you want to do right around Christmas. And then there was the dreaded Research class that I took this semester in grad school. YUCK!!! but it is done as are Chapters 1 and 3 of my dissertation. Let's see soccer is in full swing and Abby is now taking Karate and Marching band takes a lot of time for Jackson. It has really been crazy.
The funny thing is that Jeff and I are still managing. I say managing because I was totally unprepared for how tough football season would be. In case I did not mention it, he works part time for the Falcons, a regular full time job and has full custody of his two girls. We are a regular Brady bunch. Football season means that he is busy every Sunday and on weekends that they travel he is gone minimum Sat. and Sun. and some weekends Fri. to Sun. In a nutshell, IT SUCKS. But luckily thus far this relationship is important to both of us so we are managing. Thought you would appreciate an update on the romance front.
In other news, I am reading a very special poem that my Daddy wrote in 1965 at our school Veterans Day program on Thursday. I will post a copy after I read it. I am honored and horrified at the same time. I will have to give a brief account of the origin of the poem and it is rapidly approaching the one year mark since he died. It will tough to do and in front of 700 people...worries me a little. But I remind myself that as scary as the idea of doing this is for me, he at the young age of 16 completed boot camp and was sent to Vietnam to fight. It keeps things in perspective for me. Daddy, if you are up there and can read this I hope you feel some of the appreciation that we as society now have for our service men and women. Wish it had been different for you!!
Last but not least.....I have a special section I would like to dedicate to my friend Christy--I like to call this ode to the bikini wax. If and/or when you decide to attempt a bikini wax....know that if you will take Advil about 45 minutes before you go it will definitely hurt less. There Christy--I have officially blogged about the bikini wax. What? Want to know more? :)
The funny thing is that Jeff and I are still managing. I say managing because I was totally unprepared for how tough football season would be. In case I did not mention it, he works part time for the Falcons, a regular full time job and has full custody of his two girls. We are a regular Brady bunch. Football season means that he is busy every Sunday and on weekends that they travel he is gone minimum Sat. and Sun. and some weekends Fri. to Sun. In a nutshell, IT SUCKS. But luckily thus far this relationship is important to both of us so we are managing. Thought you would appreciate an update on the romance front.
In other news, I am reading a very special poem that my Daddy wrote in 1965 at our school Veterans Day program on Thursday. I will post a copy after I read it. I am honored and horrified at the same time. I will have to give a brief account of the origin of the poem and it is rapidly approaching the one year mark since he died. It will tough to do and in front of 700 people...worries me a little. But I remind myself that as scary as the idea of doing this is for me, he at the young age of 16 completed boot camp and was sent to Vietnam to fight. It keeps things in perspective for me. Daddy, if you are up there and can read this I hope you feel some of the appreciation that we as society now have for our service men and women. Wish it had been different for you!!
Last but not least.....I have a special section I would like to dedicate to my friend Christy--I like to call this ode to the bikini wax. If and/or when you decide to attempt a bikini wax....know that if you will take Advil about 45 minutes before you go it will definitely hurt less. There Christy--I have officially blogged about the bikini wax. What? Want to know more? :)
Monday, September 12, 2011
Sometimes I worry...
Yesterday, as we all know was the anniversary September 11th. I did my best to remember but not dwell on such a horrible day in our history. I did come realize something though that was brought about by that day. We all worry about something happening to our kids but do we ever really think about something happening to our significant other? I never did too much but in the last month two major events have shown me that I do worry about this significant other. Significant? I think so.
You all have read about Jeff and maybe you know he works part time for the Falcons maybe not. He does and as a result he must travel with them. A few weeks ago during the preseason the trip was to Pittsburgh. Now I had heard about this Hurricane Irene but I have 4 kids in my house so watching the news is a no go. I had no idea where it was headed. Suddenly on Saturday night I found myself watching the 11 news and what do I see but the Governor of Pennsylvania talking about taking precautions for this Hurricane. I suck at geography but I know enough to know Pittsburgh is in PA. Where exactly? I don't know. I realized in that instant that I did not like the fact that Jeff was there with the Falcons and would on the only plane leaving PA that night. In fact more than 9000 flights had been cancelled on the east coast that night. I was quite relieved when I got a text at about 2 a.m. telling me they had landed safely.
Fast forward to Fri. 9/9....at dinner Jeff and I were having a casual conversation in which he shares with me that there is a terror threat on the stadium in Chicago for Sunday. You guessed it...the Falcons played there on Sunday. Jeff laughed at a joke made by his supervisor and the tunnel but I did not find it funny at all. I really was beyond worried about his leaving but was truly frightened. The hours between his flight leaving at 3 p.m. Saturday and returning late Sunday night were excruciating. Again the question enters my mind...significant? For me it is truly significant. I cannot remember having worried about another human being other than my kids to this extent before. Loving someone is truly magnificent and wonderful but it is also quite painful at times.
Recently a friend of mine was married and her son read a quote by none other than Winnie the Pooh, who is quite brilliant, by the way. I thought it was nice but it really struck a chord with me this weekend and so I thought I would share it with you.
If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you. I think this quote so eloquently describes how I feel at this moment in my life.
You all have read about Jeff and maybe you know he works part time for the Falcons maybe not. He does and as a result he must travel with them. A few weeks ago during the preseason the trip was to Pittsburgh. Now I had heard about this Hurricane Irene but I have 4 kids in my house so watching the news is a no go. I had no idea where it was headed. Suddenly on Saturday night I found myself watching the 11 news and what do I see but the Governor of Pennsylvania talking about taking precautions for this Hurricane. I suck at geography but I know enough to know Pittsburgh is in PA. Where exactly? I don't know. I realized in that instant that I did not like the fact that Jeff was there with the Falcons and would on the only plane leaving PA that night. In fact more than 9000 flights had been cancelled on the east coast that night. I was quite relieved when I got a text at about 2 a.m. telling me they had landed safely.
Fast forward to Fri. 9/9....at dinner Jeff and I were having a casual conversation in which he shares with me that there is a terror threat on the stadium in Chicago for Sunday. You guessed it...the Falcons played there on Sunday. Jeff laughed at a joke made by his supervisor and the tunnel but I did not find it funny at all. I really was beyond worried about his leaving but was truly frightened. The hours between his flight leaving at 3 p.m. Saturday and returning late Sunday night were excruciating. Again the question enters my mind...significant? For me it is truly significant. I cannot remember having worried about another human being other than my kids to this extent before. Loving someone is truly magnificent and wonderful but it is also quite painful at times.
Recently a friend of mine was married and her son read a quote by none other than Winnie the Pooh, who is quite brilliant, by the way. I thought it was nice but it really struck a chord with me this weekend and so I thought I would share it with you.
If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you. I think this quote so eloquently describes how I feel at this moment in my life.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Time is on my side, yes it is....not!!!
My sweet friend Amy so eloquently pointed out to me today that I have not been blogging. She is of course right but with raising 4 kids alone, teaching full time, working on my doctorate and managing a relationship along with friends, time is definitely not on my side. I sometimes wish for more hours in a day but that thought makes me tired just thinking it. So I am going to update you all on what's going on.
First, the relationship, wish I could intrigue you with drama but there is none to report. The relationship is wonderful in a scared as hell kind of way. I am happier than I have ever been in many respects and petrified at the same time. I am feelings things I have never felt before and again petrified at the same time. Still working with Ola, therapist extraordinaire, but I am no longer on the weekly plan. I have graduated to twice monthly. Jeff, is the most wonderful man. He is kind, loving, gentle, funny, and a really good person. He makes me want to be a better person. Sometimes I think that I have found the person I never want to live without and that fact only introduces more terror. He has two beautiful little girls that I have am honored to be a part of their lives and he genuinely likes my kids. Noah, sweet little Noah, who is quite reserved and shy, asked Jeff if he would stay the night last night and sleep in Jackson's bed. Noah and Jackson share a room. It was so sweet. And Abby adores him. She begs to be tickled and Jeff won't quit until she tells him he's the best. She says it but is right back to be tickled again.
I can say that the time that we have to spend a part is hard. With both of us having the responsibility of raising our kids on our own, time for us is in short supply. Adding to that the part time job he has with Falcons, my job which never ends at 4 and my school and our time is in even shorter supply. For now, I can honestly say that I am 100% in love with him and it feels good. I must send a special thank you to Words with Friends for hooking us up and Shanda Roberts for pushing it along.
On the other fronts, I miss my brother from another immensely and wish he were closer. My Dad would have turned 65 this Saturday, if had lived. I am not sure how I feel about the impending date. I am thinking that it might be the right time to take a trip to the cemetery. I have not been since we buried him in December of last year. I miss him every single day. Every time I think of him, I am reminded of the fact that Granny Ann will be 80 in January. She won't be here forever and I cannot even fathom life without her.
So enough of the morbid thoughts, I am making new friends and I have discovered that I really do have a lot of friends and to you guys I want to say thank you. I know that I am not always available and don't say or do the right things but I do love you guys each in a different way. I do have to give one special shout out to a friend who will remain nameless for now. I am so proud of you. From the bottom of my heart proud and truly and deeply honored to call you friend and to have you in my life. And to Julie.....congratulations. It is easy to see why you love Chester.
First, the relationship, wish I could intrigue you with drama but there is none to report. The relationship is wonderful in a scared as hell kind of way. I am happier than I have ever been in many respects and petrified at the same time. I am feelings things I have never felt before and again petrified at the same time. Still working with Ola, therapist extraordinaire, but I am no longer on the weekly plan. I have graduated to twice monthly. Jeff, is the most wonderful man. He is kind, loving, gentle, funny, and a really good person. He makes me want to be a better person. Sometimes I think that I have found the person I never want to live without and that fact only introduces more terror. He has two beautiful little girls that I have am honored to be a part of their lives and he genuinely likes my kids. Noah, sweet little Noah, who is quite reserved and shy, asked Jeff if he would stay the night last night and sleep in Jackson's bed. Noah and Jackson share a room. It was so sweet. And Abby adores him. She begs to be tickled and Jeff won't quit until she tells him he's the best. She says it but is right back to be tickled again.
I can say that the time that we have to spend a part is hard. With both of us having the responsibility of raising our kids on our own, time for us is in short supply. Adding to that the part time job he has with Falcons, my job which never ends at 4 and my school and our time is in even shorter supply. For now, I can honestly say that I am 100% in love with him and it feels good. I must send a special thank you to Words with Friends for hooking us up and Shanda Roberts for pushing it along.
On the other fronts, I miss my brother from another immensely and wish he were closer. My Dad would have turned 65 this Saturday, if had lived. I am not sure how I feel about the impending date. I am thinking that it might be the right time to take a trip to the cemetery. I have not been since we buried him in December of last year. I miss him every single day. Every time I think of him, I am reminded of the fact that Granny Ann will be 80 in January. She won't be here forever and I cannot even fathom life without her.
So enough of the morbid thoughts, I am making new friends and I have discovered that I really do have a lot of friends and to you guys I want to say thank you. I know that I am not always available and don't say or do the right things but I do love you guys each in a different way. I do have to give one special shout out to a friend who will remain nameless for now. I am so proud of you. From the bottom of my heart proud and truly and deeply honored to call you friend and to have you in my life. And to Julie.....congratulations. It is easy to see why you love Chester.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Love is in the Air
It is late and I realized that I have not updated my blog in quite sometime, that is one of the perils of having summers off....you get lazy. So much has happened to me this summer. I began the summer with foot surgery and that was most unpleasant but a spur of the moment trip out West to see my brother Jeff did the trick to lift my spirits. It was an amazing trip full of peaceful sites to visit and quality time spent with my west coast family.
While on this trip I discovered an addictive game called Words with Friends. From this simple game on my phone, I reconnected with an amazing man. Playing the game led to chatting on Facebook which led to texting which led to more texting, day and night and that led to phone calls, and finally after many weeks we actually saw one another and it has now progressed into a relationship. I suck at good relationships so this one is both frightening and wonderful at the same time. I personally am working very hard with Ola, therapist extraordinairre to overcome my relationship issues so I am hopeful.
Let me tell you a little about Jeff. Not my brother Jeff, who by the way is amazing in his own right but my love interest Jeff. He is absolutely the most generous, tender, affectionate, and loving man I have ever had the pleasure of being involved with. He tells me everyday how beautiful I am and how special I am. He has two lovely daughters that he takes care of full time and does a great job with them. He is absolutely adorable. My biggest fear is that I will somehow screw this up. I pray everyday that I won't. He is fabulous with my kids too and when I told him I had 4 he did not run screaming from the room. When I shared with him my fears, he was supportive and understanding. I cannot fathom what I have done to deserve this in my life but I am so grateful to have it.
So as I prepare to begin this new school year and face all of the chaos and anxiety that will present initially, I do it with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart.
Those who have read the blog have undoubtedly picked up on the struggles and pain that have colored my world this last year. Losing my Dad, the failure of a marriage and the ugliness that came my way as a result, the loss of a dear friendship combined with the other losses felt like it would kill me sometimes the hurt was so much. Well, I saw the light and the end of the tunnel and I kept trudging through and now I know what it feels like to come out on the other side. It feels good. I still miss my Daddy everyday but I know he is in a better place and he is finally happy and at peace. I still have to deal with the ex and he is still mean, hurtful and disrespectful but I do it now with a new purpose and a shield that protects me from the darts he shoots my way. The lost friendship is on the mend and I am so very grateful for that. And then there is Jeff, I don't know what if anything the future holds in this relationship but for right now I am going to bask in the wonder of it and enjoy every second.
While on this trip I discovered an addictive game called Words with Friends. From this simple game on my phone, I reconnected with an amazing man. Playing the game led to chatting on Facebook which led to texting which led to more texting, day and night and that led to phone calls, and finally after many weeks we actually saw one another and it has now progressed into a relationship. I suck at good relationships so this one is both frightening and wonderful at the same time. I personally am working very hard with Ola, therapist extraordinairre to overcome my relationship issues so I am hopeful.
Let me tell you a little about Jeff. Not my brother Jeff, who by the way is amazing in his own right but my love interest Jeff. He is absolutely the most generous, tender, affectionate, and loving man I have ever had the pleasure of being involved with. He tells me everyday how beautiful I am and how special I am. He has two lovely daughters that he takes care of full time and does a great job with them. He is absolutely adorable. My biggest fear is that I will somehow screw this up. I pray everyday that I won't. He is fabulous with my kids too and when I told him I had 4 he did not run screaming from the room. When I shared with him my fears, he was supportive and understanding. I cannot fathom what I have done to deserve this in my life but I am so grateful to have it.
So as I prepare to begin this new school year and face all of the chaos and anxiety that will present initially, I do it with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart.
Those who have read the blog have undoubtedly picked up on the struggles and pain that have colored my world this last year. Losing my Dad, the failure of a marriage and the ugliness that came my way as a result, the loss of a dear friendship combined with the other losses felt like it would kill me sometimes the hurt was so much. Well, I saw the light and the end of the tunnel and I kept trudging through and now I know what it feels like to come out on the other side. It feels good. I still miss my Daddy everyday but I know he is in a better place and he is finally happy and at peace. I still have to deal with the ex and he is still mean, hurtful and disrespectful but I do it now with a new purpose and a shield that protects me from the darts he shoots my way. The lost friendship is on the mend and I am so very grateful for that. And then there is Jeff, I don't know what if anything the future holds in this relationship but for right now I am going to bask in the wonder of it and enjoy every second.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Diary of a Single Mother...: Flowers in Heaven
Diary of a Single Mother...: Flowers in Heaven: "As Father's Day draws nearer I am saddened that this year I will not have my Dad here to celebrate with. He passed away in December after b..."
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