Mr. Sandman bring me a dream...have you ever thought about what that really means? I am thinking of that tonight as I sit in the dark, in my bed listening to the sound of Noah sleeping next to me. It seems that he is very intune to his mother and her moods if you will. I suspect he sensed my apprehension and eventual devastation and wanted too, in his 9 year old way, comfort me. Bring me a dream....such a simple statement but do we really want a dream and if we really want it, is it best for us? I suppose it depends on what the dream is, for instance, I dream of having a PhD one day and if I am really honest I want it in counseling and I want it from the University of Alabama. It is simply not practical for me, at a cost of over $900 a semester hour. What is possible is a EdD. in special education at a rate of just over $300 a semester hour which is cheaper than what I am paying now and in an area near and dear to my heart. That dream is one that is doable and pleasant but requires hard work.
What about the dreams we have that are painful? Confused by that question, you shouldn't be we all have them. You know, they are the ones where we dream that "he" our Prince Charming will sweep us off our feet and we will live happily ever after. We all have those dreams. That dream, well, a more realistic version of it is what keeps me awake this very night. You see, I recently took a huge risk, the details are not important, but it was a huge emotional risk and initially I thought that it had paid off and my dream would come true. What I failed to consider was the possibility that nothing would happen. And you guessed it....nothing happened. I was prepared for my dream to be a reality and I was prepared for my dream not to come to fruition. I was not prepared for the space in between. The nothingness for lack of a better expression.
The word NOTHING, have you ever thought about what it means? According to Webster, one definition is "not any thing, no thing." Another "no part." The one that causes me incredible pain is "one of no interest, value or consequence." Try has I might not to get hung up on that version of nothing, hung is exactly what I am. Nothing happened so therefore I must mean nothing and be of no value or consequence. Now, I am analytical enough to know that while those are the definitions for the word, there are an infinite number of possibilities why nothing happened but the emotional side of me focuses on "of no value or consequence." Ola would say that is a very young feeling and she would be exactly right and what do young children do a lot of.......you guessed it, crying. So cry I did and all it got me was a headache, stuffy nose and really sore under my eyes.
So, I dried up my tears and decided to write. Pain is the gift that precedes growth. I do believe that but is there a way to numb the pain. Will growth be the thing that eases the pain? If so, then can I grow quickly so that the hurt is taken away? I wish that I could and actually I wish that everybody could. I wish for an EASY button. I hope that those of you who read this blog will get something out of it especially this blog and the previous one because both were written at a time of great struggle for me. I hope that my hurt will not be in vain but will be what I need to one, grow myself and two, somehow be a help to someone else. I hope there is a point to my pain that is beyond just me.
I think for tonight I am going pass on asking Mr. Sandman to bring me a dream but rather ask for Divine Order and a peace that passes all understanding. Maybe dreams need to be on hold for a while.
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