That song has been playing in my head all day long. This got me to thinking about the heart. The heart is responsible for pumping blood through the body, it is not at all like the brain which controls every single bodily function as well as being the source of our physical, emotional, and spiritual being. So, why is it that when we hurt, we say we are heartbroken? Why is it that our chests physically ache when we are hurting? I certainly don't know the answer. What I do know is that when I start to heal, my chest starts to feel better. My breathing is easier, the heartbeat steadier, and even my throat feels more open and normal again.
This weekend, my heart ached, for more than just my situation. It ached because I miss my Daddy, it ached for my two dear friends who are in so much pain right now and I am helpless to anything about it but mostly it ached for a love lost. I was oh so tempted to make a phone call and I must admit some other grand gestures to demonstrate the depth of my love which only would have resulted in making me look like a complete fool, all in an attempt to make the tightness and ache in my chest go away. No amount of breathing, exercising, talking or meditating would ease that ache. Now, the ache that I talking about is not one that is physically so painful that we cannot deal. It is simply uncomfortable from a physical stand point but emotionally for me anyway it is more than I feel like I can bare at times yet suprisingly I do bare it and I survive.
Today, I woke up feeling like I had survived to an extent, the weekend alone without 4 kids to care for and going back to a very busy and challenging job. I walked this afternoon with some friends and did some Fit Deck exercises, came home worked on homework, ran some errands, and did dinner. Driving home from dropping Jackson off at the Lodge, and what would play on my IPod but Adele. Her music while beautiful touches me in a profound way. I should have been smart and changed it but somehow I just couldn't. "Let me your one and only..." so the song goes, "I promise of I'm worthy...." And in that moment the heartache came rushing back and I could not stop the tears. The difference this time is that I did something that was right for me, in the long run, though painful now and that I had the courage thus far anyway to follow through with that decision.
In a weak moment yesterday, I emailed Ola, Therapist Extraordinaire, to say that I was tempted to call and make a complete fool of myself knowing that come Tuesday she would ask me about it and I would have to tell the truth. I figured that would keep me from making the call and I was right. But what she replied to me was something that I had never ever considered before. She said that this was not so much an issue of making a fool of myself but rather of self-respect and how could I expect respect if I did not model it myself? Needless to say that gave me pause and something to think about it.
I know that there are a lot of you out there struggling with your own demons and heartache. If I could pass along one thing to you it would be to consider respecting yourself. I think women more than men are so other oriented that we do not respect ourselves. I am still working on exactly how to do that so as I learn some techniques you know I will pass them on.....no matter how personal. I refuse to be ashamed of the heartache anymore. I am human and I make mistakes and I hurt very deeply.
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