Diary of a Crazy white woman

So. its been a while since I have written.  I have kind of been a little busy with kids and a relationship.  The new year has gotten me thinking about a lot of things.  It seems that the beginning of the year is supposed to be a happy time.  I am not always feeling so happy at the start of a new year.  This year in particular has been difficult.  Last year, I was glad to start a new year because the death of my Dad was really rough and on some level I thought beginning a new year would make that easier.  It did not make it any easier. 
I have worked so hard this past year on myself.  Harder than I have worked on anything in my entire life and that is saying a lot because if you know me at all you know that I am a hard worker.  It has been at times unbelievably painful but Ola has continued to preach that pain is a gift that precedes change.  I think I get it finally that it is a gift.  It is a gift that sometimes just keeps on giving like that damn Energizer bunny but a gift.  I can honestly say that in that department I have received many gifts this past year. 
Recently, I hurt someone that I care very deeply for.  Someone that I probably care for differently more deeply than I have cared for anyone in a long time if ever.  It was truly a misunderstanding that led to both parties defending their own pain and old wounds.  I however did what I apparently have decided is the thing to do these days and I left.  I ended up waking up my brother and sister in law so that I could stay with them because the thought of going home alone was too much.  What I should have done was to take a step back, stay put and push for a conversation in the morning to discuss and resolve the issue.  I, in my attempt to give the space that was needed, and avoid the drama caused more drama.  I guess in reality I am a drama queen.  This will be a new years' resolution for me to stop being a drama queen. 
This all transpired right around the time that I recieved a compliment from two women.  One came from a woman that I would say is a developing friend, who is having some personal issues right now and she said that she hoped that she could deal with these issues like me.  I had to laugh because OMG am I not a role model for anyone on how to deal with anything.  Hence the title of this blog.  And then Ola, who probably at this point knows me better than anyone, said to me that my soul was shining.  I am moved to tears every time I think about that.  She also said that she could just imagine that I was a wonderful friend, mother, girlfriend, neighbor, so committed to self awareness and doing right by others. 
Funny that I feel like a failure at all of those things.  My neighbors here do not like me at all, my friendships have changed so much this year and I have two failed love relationships and probably if the truth be told I am in the process of ruining this one too, it just hasn't happened yet and I feel like I daily fail my children. 
So my question is this......am I a crazy white woman?  Do other people struggle with these things?  I look at people and I think that they all have life and relationships figured out and I cannot seem to get a handle on anything.  I guess I must cover it pretty well if there is even one person who wants to handle anything the way I do. 
I think another new years resolution for me needs to be to see myself in a little better light and maybe that change my attitude toward this new beginning.  Right now I am not feeling so happy and optimistic and definitely not wanting to party and celebrate.  Any comments you have would be welcome.  And, because it is customary, Happy New Year.