You guys who have read anything that I have written know that songs speak to me. Today all I can think about is the line...there's something wrong with the world today and I don't know what it is. Can't remember anything more of the song than that and I have no clue who sings it. That being said it perfectly summarizes my feelings of late.
You have no doubt looked at your computer,phone or TV and seen the war going on with Chick-fil-A. I have always admired Chick-fil-a's adherence to their principles but when they speak out against a segment of our population in such a hateful manner I can no longer respect their position. And then to add insult to injury a picture is floating around of a sign in a Chick-fil-A claiming that they voluntarily removed the Muppet toys from their kids meals because of potential injury though no injury has occurred. I guess thou shalt not be gay and want to marry is more important than thou shalt not lie.
This situation has brought me to the realization that none of us have the answer to what is wrong with the world today. Not the baptists, catholics, buddhists, scientologists or any other religion. So here is my thought....maybe together living in a way that accepts all people and not only tolerates differences but welcomes differences in order to learn and grow from them is the answer. Maybe God, the Universe, the Divine whatever you call Him wants us to learn to live together with our difference in order to have a better world. Benjamin Franklin said "United we stand and divided we fall." And Aesop before him stated something similar. Maybe just maybe humans have been trying for thousands of years to understand this concept.
Ola, therapist extraordinaire, has told me hundreds of times that the Universe will continue to give us the same lessons over and over so that we can become experts on ourselves and have the opportunity to grow even more. I believe her theory 100%. I have seen it personally in my own life. Perhaps the Universe, the Divine, God is giving society these same lessons so that we can continue to grow. Our country was founded on the principle of freedom of religion yet this is the very argument used to promote denying civil rights to gays. The civil rights movement was a violent and painful time in our history yet human rights for all prevailed. So I ask you....are we just not getting it?
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Butting heads with the Universe...anybody else?
So I briefly created and wrote on another blog site while this one was MIA for some strange reason and many could not access it. Sorry about that. I am up and running now. I thought I would just briefly touch on a subject that is causing me enormous grief at the moment. The Universe.
Yes, I know you are wondering why the Universe would be causing me so much grief. Well, I am not talking about the moons, planets and stars. I am talking about the Universe in terms of Life, or God, or Fate. However you choose to acknowledge it. For me right now, I am choosing the Universe. The idea that there is something out there that is bigger than us and has more control than we do. I am butting heads with the Universe in a huge way because it keeps sending me things that I don't want. I don't want a friendship to end, I don't want said friendship to cause me so much pain that I resort to using food as comfort, I don't want people to die, be sick, or suffer. I don't want to trust that whatever happens in my life is in my best interest because so many things are happening that I simply do not like. You know, not like is not strong enough, things that I HATE.
My therapist, tells me that I am butting heads with the Universe and that life would be so much easier if I would just accept what is. I wish that I knew how to do that. I wish that I knew that meant I have always set my sights on what I wanted and worked through whatever adversity lay in the way to get it. Now, I have to let go and what?? let the Universe decide? If we are in control of our own destiny and we have the power to change our lives then how does one accept what is given to them? How????
Furthermore, how does one accept defeat? I am so competitve and driven that there has not been a time when I have wanted something that I did not go after it and get it. I wanted to graduate from college, it took me 10 years but I did it. I wanted a Masters degree, that took me 5 but I got it. I wanted to finish my specialists in a year and I did that too. How then do I just sit back and let the Universe decide what is best for me and accept everything just as it is. If I had done that, then I would not have finished college. It was hard and I worked full time the entire time, I had a baby, I went through a divorce. It was so hard. At any point, couldn't I have just said the Universe is sending me adversity, I am just going to accept that college is not for me. I don't know, maybe I have it all wrong, Lord knows it won't be the first time.
Anybody else struggling with this? If so, I would love to hear your thoughts. Or maybe you have it figured out, I would really love to hear those thoughts.
Yes, I know you are wondering why the Universe would be causing me so much grief. Well, I am not talking about the moons, planets and stars. I am talking about the Universe in terms of Life, or God, or Fate. However you choose to acknowledge it. For me right now, I am choosing the Universe. The idea that there is something out there that is bigger than us and has more control than we do. I am butting heads with the Universe in a huge way because it keeps sending me things that I don't want. I don't want a friendship to end, I don't want said friendship to cause me so much pain that I resort to using food as comfort, I don't want people to die, be sick, or suffer. I don't want to trust that whatever happens in my life is in my best interest because so many things are happening that I simply do not like. You know, not like is not strong enough, things that I HATE.
My therapist, tells me that I am butting heads with the Universe and that life would be so much easier if I would just accept what is. I wish that I knew how to do that. I wish that I knew that meant I have always set my sights on what I wanted and worked through whatever adversity lay in the way to get it. Now, I have to let go and what?? let the Universe decide? If we are in control of our own destiny and we have the power to change our lives then how does one accept what is given to them? How????
Furthermore, how does one accept defeat? I am so competitve and driven that there has not been a time when I have wanted something that I did not go after it and get it. I wanted to graduate from college, it took me 10 years but I did it. I wanted a Masters degree, that took me 5 but I got it. I wanted to finish my specialists in a year and I did that too. How then do I just sit back and let the Universe decide what is best for me and accept everything just as it is. If I had done that, then I would not have finished college. It was hard and I worked full time the entire time, I had a baby, I went through a divorce. It was so hard. At any point, couldn't I have just said the Universe is sending me adversity, I am just going to accept that college is not for me. I don't know, maybe I have it all wrong, Lord knows it won't be the first time.
Anybody else struggling with this? If so, I would love to hear your thoughts. Or maybe you have it figured out, I would really love to hear those thoughts.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Steel Magnolias
Yesterday, Dr. Nancy Cook, my principal at ECMS for the entire time I have been there announced that she is retiring. Not only is she retiring but Ms. Jean Cotton, who has also been there with me since I started is also retiring. Both are going on to be Grandmothers. In so many ways, I am so happy for them both but I cannot help but take notice of the selfish side of me who is quite sad at the departure of both ladies. Southern Ladies and Steel Magnolias would be a more accurate description of them both. Both ladies in their own special ways have added so much to my life.
Jean Cotton, the Language Arts teacher extraordinaire, has taught me so much and taught Jackson as well at a time when he desperately needed a good LA teacher. Not only is she an excellent LA teacher she is also one of the wisest women I have ever met. You can always walk out into Jean's "learning cottage" a.k.a. trailer and talk to her about anything from a difficult student or co-worker to how painful your divorce has been and how heart broken you are over a dating relationship post divorce coming to an end. She always supplies not only wisdom but comfort and encouragement and she will gently deliver what I need to hear but might not necessarily want to hear. I cannot fathom how I will get through my days at ECMS without Jean and her frogs. I still have an email that she sent to me over a year ago sharing some of her own personal heartache and encourgaging me to keep my chin up and push through. I take it out and read it every time I start to feel sorry for myself. I look forward to my morning hall duty because Jean is there to discuss The Walking Dead, what movies are filming in Senoia, how I will survive when Granny Ann is gone and who's going to fill her shoes. To say that I have grown to truly love this woman, who I might had has even preached an excellent sermon at her church, is the understatement of the year. Jean Cotton, I will miss you more than you know and you have impacted my life in a tremendous way.
Dr. Nancy Cook, principal at ECMS, too has impacted my life in a tremendous way though very differently than Jean. Five years ago, I needed to go back to work after staying home to raise babies. Dr. Cook gave me a chance teaching Special Education in a middle school, neither of which had I ever done before. Why she decided to take a chance on me I will never know but she did and it was by far one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Teaching middle school and Special Education has been one of the most challenging things I have ever done but it is also one of the most rewarding. I have stretched myself and done things that I did not even think were possible. I will forever be grateful to her for seeing things in me that I never saw in myself and by doing so helping to have the courage to find my niche in the world professionally. Throughout my divorce, I found great solace in coming into work every single day. The simple fact that I knew exactly what was expected of me and what to expect allowed me to breath. Leaving each day with things so uncertain in my life was tough but coming into work was such a relief. I credit not only Dr. Cook but a fantastic group of colleagues as well. I will never forget looking up from the podium at my Dad's funeral and seeing Dr. Cook sitting there. It gave me the strength to carry on with grace, dignity and I hope a poise that I certainly did not feel because that is how she conducts every meeting. Not only did she attend the funeral but she made a special point over the next several weeks and months to just stop by my room to check on me. It is not everyday that you are fortunate enough to have such a, as I affectionately call her, "boss lady." Just today she thanked me for the insight that I bring to the table. She will be missed greatly but as with Jean the impact that she has had on my life will never be forgotten.
Change, whether good or bad, is never easy, at least not for me anyway. I think that these ladies retiring is a good change especially for them. I am truly happy that they are able to move on and do and be what they want for the rest of their lives. For those of us who are staying put, I hope that this change is good for us as well. Only time will tell. One thing I do know is that I am lucky to have experience both of these ladies and will take what I have learned and try to make a difference in this world one child at a time.
Jean Cotton, the Language Arts teacher extraordinaire, has taught me so much and taught Jackson as well at a time when he desperately needed a good LA teacher. Not only is she an excellent LA teacher she is also one of the wisest women I have ever met. You can always walk out into Jean's "learning cottage" a.k.a. trailer and talk to her about anything from a difficult student or co-worker to how painful your divorce has been and how heart broken you are over a dating relationship post divorce coming to an end. She always supplies not only wisdom but comfort and encouragement and she will gently deliver what I need to hear but might not necessarily want to hear. I cannot fathom how I will get through my days at ECMS without Jean and her frogs. I still have an email that she sent to me over a year ago sharing some of her own personal heartache and encourgaging me to keep my chin up and push through. I take it out and read it every time I start to feel sorry for myself. I look forward to my morning hall duty because Jean is there to discuss The Walking Dead, what movies are filming in Senoia, how I will survive when Granny Ann is gone and who's going to fill her shoes. To say that I have grown to truly love this woman, who I might had has even preached an excellent sermon at her church, is the understatement of the year. Jean Cotton, I will miss you more than you know and you have impacted my life in a tremendous way.
Dr. Nancy Cook, principal at ECMS, too has impacted my life in a tremendous way though very differently than Jean. Five years ago, I needed to go back to work after staying home to raise babies. Dr. Cook gave me a chance teaching Special Education in a middle school, neither of which had I ever done before. Why she decided to take a chance on me I will never know but she did and it was by far one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Teaching middle school and Special Education has been one of the most challenging things I have ever done but it is also one of the most rewarding. I have stretched myself and done things that I did not even think were possible. I will forever be grateful to her for seeing things in me that I never saw in myself and by doing so helping to have the courage to find my niche in the world professionally. Throughout my divorce, I found great solace in coming into work every single day. The simple fact that I knew exactly what was expected of me and what to expect allowed me to breath. Leaving each day with things so uncertain in my life was tough but coming into work was such a relief. I credit not only Dr. Cook but a fantastic group of colleagues as well. I will never forget looking up from the podium at my Dad's funeral and seeing Dr. Cook sitting there. It gave me the strength to carry on with grace, dignity and I hope a poise that I certainly did not feel because that is how she conducts every meeting. Not only did she attend the funeral but she made a special point over the next several weeks and months to just stop by my room to check on me. It is not everyday that you are fortunate enough to have such a, as I affectionately call her, "boss lady." Just today she thanked me for the insight that I bring to the table. She will be missed greatly but as with Jean the impact that she has had on my life will never be forgotten.
Change, whether good or bad, is never easy, at least not for me anyway. I think that these ladies retiring is a good change especially for them. I am truly happy that they are able to move on and do and be what they want for the rest of their lives. For those of us who are staying put, I hope that this change is good for us as well. Only time will tell. One thing I do know is that I am lucky to have experience both of these ladies and will take what I have learned and try to make a difference in this world one child at a time.
Monday, January 23, 2012
It's a heartache, nothing but a heartache,but it won't kill ya!!
That song has been playing in my head all day long. This got me to thinking about the heart. The heart is responsible for pumping blood through the body, it is not at all like the brain which controls every single bodily function as well as being the source of our physical, emotional, and spiritual being. So, why is it that when we hurt, we say we are heartbroken? Why is it that our chests physically ache when we are hurting? I certainly don't know the answer. What I do know is that when I start to heal, my chest starts to feel better. My breathing is easier, the heartbeat steadier, and even my throat feels more open and normal again.
This weekend, my heart ached, for more than just my situation. It ached because I miss my Daddy, it ached for my two dear friends who are in so much pain right now and I am helpless to anything about it but mostly it ached for a love lost. I was oh so tempted to make a phone call and I must admit some other grand gestures to demonstrate the depth of my love which only would have resulted in making me look like a complete fool, all in an attempt to make the tightness and ache in my chest go away. No amount of breathing, exercising, talking or meditating would ease that ache. Now, the ache that I talking about is not one that is physically so painful that we cannot deal. It is simply uncomfortable from a physical stand point but emotionally for me anyway it is more than I feel like I can bare at times yet suprisingly I do bare it and I survive.
Today, I woke up feeling like I had survived to an extent, the weekend alone without 4 kids to care for and going back to a very busy and challenging job. I walked this afternoon with some friends and did some Fit Deck exercises, came home worked on homework, ran some errands, and did dinner. Driving home from dropping Jackson off at the Lodge, and what would play on my IPod but Adele. Her music while beautiful touches me in a profound way. I should have been smart and changed it but somehow I just couldn't. "Let me your one and only..." so the song goes, "I promise of I'm worthy...." And in that moment the heartache came rushing back and I could not stop the tears. The difference this time is that I did something that was right for me, in the long run, though painful now and that I had the courage thus far anyway to follow through with that decision.
In a weak moment yesterday, I emailed Ola, Therapist Extraordinaire, to say that I was tempted to call and make a complete fool of myself knowing that come Tuesday she would ask me about it and I would have to tell the truth. I figured that would keep me from making the call and I was right. But what she replied to me was something that I had never ever considered before. She said that this was not so much an issue of making a fool of myself but rather of self-respect and how could I expect respect if I did not model it myself? Needless to say that gave me pause and something to think about it.
I know that there are a lot of you out there struggling with your own demons and heartache. If I could pass along one thing to you it would be to consider respecting yourself. I think women more than men are so other oriented that we do not respect ourselves. I am still working on exactly how to do that so as I learn some techniques you know I will pass them on.....no matter how personal. I refuse to be ashamed of the heartache anymore. I am human and I make mistakes and I hurt very deeply.
This weekend, my heart ached, for more than just my situation. It ached because I miss my Daddy, it ached for my two dear friends who are in so much pain right now and I am helpless to anything about it but mostly it ached for a love lost. I was oh so tempted to make a phone call and I must admit some other grand gestures to demonstrate the depth of my love which only would have resulted in making me look like a complete fool, all in an attempt to make the tightness and ache in my chest go away. No amount of breathing, exercising, talking or meditating would ease that ache. Now, the ache that I talking about is not one that is physically so painful that we cannot deal. It is simply uncomfortable from a physical stand point but emotionally for me anyway it is more than I feel like I can bare at times yet suprisingly I do bare it and I survive.
Today, I woke up feeling like I had survived to an extent, the weekend alone without 4 kids to care for and going back to a very busy and challenging job. I walked this afternoon with some friends and did some Fit Deck exercises, came home worked on homework, ran some errands, and did dinner. Driving home from dropping Jackson off at the Lodge, and what would play on my IPod but Adele. Her music while beautiful touches me in a profound way. I should have been smart and changed it but somehow I just couldn't. "Let me your one and only..." so the song goes, "I promise of I'm worthy...." And in that moment the heartache came rushing back and I could not stop the tears. The difference this time is that I did something that was right for me, in the long run, though painful now and that I had the courage thus far anyway to follow through with that decision.
In a weak moment yesterday, I emailed Ola, Therapist Extraordinaire, to say that I was tempted to call and make a complete fool of myself knowing that come Tuesday she would ask me about it and I would have to tell the truth. I figured that would keep me from making the call and I was right. But what she replied to me was something that I had never ever considered before. She said that this was not so much an issue of making a fool of myself but rather of self-respect and how could I expect respect if I did not model it myself? Needless to say that gave me pause and something to think about it.
I know that there are a lot of you out there struggling with your own demons and heartache. If I could pass along one thing to you it would be to consider respecting yourself. I think women more than men are so other oriented that we do not respect ourselves. I am still working on exactly how to do that so as I learn some techniques you know I will pass them on.....no matter how personal. I refuse to be ashamed of the heartache anymore. I am human and I make mistakes and I hurt very deeply.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
How much is too much to share....
This past week I received some feedback from my blog that suggested that I share information that is too personal. I have thought a lot about that this week and have come to the conclusion that I am going to continue to share personal information. If you are reading this and find that this is a problem for you then I respectfully ask that you stop reading it. I will not divulge information about others actions, thoughts, feelings, etc. without their permission first. This blog is all about me and how I feel. My journey in life has been one with a lot of pain, heartache, and adversity. This is not unusual. We have all experienced these things. What I hope to accomplish in myself is an openness and acceptance of my past, present and future.
People with terminal illnesses create Caringbridge websites and get support and encourgagement from people they have never met before as well as friends and family. This is not only acceptable but it is encouraged. When we think about emotional health, we are not encourgaged to share, in fact if anything there is a certain amount of shame in admitting heartache and the need for some help dealing with emotions. Kind of like the idea that men shouldn't cry. I am guilty of this belief especially when it comes to football. But, what I am finding is that we have to be proud of who we are. And who we are includes the heartache, pain, mistakes, joy, happiness, loss, grief, fear, and shame that we have experienced in our lives.
I am not good at healthy relationships. I am working so very hard to change that and break the cycle so that my kids will not have to carry that burden and for myself so that I can find that Til Death Do Us Part love that I really want. I am not going to be ashamed of the hurt I feel and I will continue to share it. The responses that I have gotten from some of my blogs have given me the strength to carry on just for one more day. And the responses that I have gotten from people who are encouraged by my words makes the pain I experience purposeful and it makes it make a little sense.
I have had the great honor and privilege to be supportive and encouraging to two friends who are struggling in their respective relationships right now. One is an old friend and the other a new, but in both cases I have been able to do, say, and be what they both needed as a result of my own life experiences. I found that I took a certain amount of pride in that and decided that I would no longer hide behind the shame and pain.
At the end of the day, we are all humans who wish to love and to be loved. We are not nearly as different as we like to think. So, for those of you who think this is too much.... I again say with the upmost respect, please stop reading my blog. To those who simply cannot believe that I would share such personal information.... stop being surprised. I have shared the loss of relationships, a parent, dreams, and I have shared daily struggles on this blog. It is all deeply personal and sharing it helps me to make sense out things and it encourgages others.
People with terminal illnesses create Caringbridge websites and get support and encourgagement from people they have never met before as well as friends and family. This is not only acceptable but it is encouraged. When we think about emotional health, we are not encourgaged to share, in fact if anything there is a certain amount of shame in admitting heartache and the need for some help dealing with emotions. Kind of like the idea that men shouldn't cry. I am guilty of this belief especially when it comes to football. But, what I am finding is that we have to be proud of who we are. And who we are includes the heartache, pain, mistakes, joy, happiness, loss, grief, fear, and shame that we have experienced in our lives.
I am not good at healthy relationships. I am working so very hard to change that and break the cycle so that my kids will not have to carry that burden and for myself so that I can find that Til Death Do Us Part love that I really want. I am not going to be ashamed of the hurt I feel and I will continue to share it. The responses that I have gotten from some of my blogs have given me the strength to carry on just for one more day. And the responses that I have gotten from people who are encouraged by my words makes the pain I experience purposeful and it makes it make a little sense.
I have had the great honor and privilege to be supportive and encouraging to two friends who are struggling in their respective relationships right now. One is an old friend and the other a new, but in both cases I have been able to do, say, and be what they both needed as a result of my own life experiences. I found that I took a certain amount of pride in that and decided that I would no longer hide behind the shame and pain.
At the end of the day, we are all humans who wish to love and to be loved. We are not nearly as different as we like to think. So, for those of you who think this is too much.... I again say with the upmost respect, please stop reading my blog. To those who simply cannot believe that I would share such personal information.... stop being surprised. I have shared the loss of relationships, a parent, dreams, and I have shared daily struggles on this blog. It is all deeply personal and sharing it helps me to make sense out things and it encourgages others.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
What's Love Got To Do With it?
We all know the song by Tina Turner "What's Love Got To Do With it?" I think she calls it a second hand emotion. That song has been playing in my head all evening. If you noticed my status change on Facebook then you know that it has changed. I know doubt hurt Jeff by posting that but I needed the accountability. I ended our relationship today, this morning actually, not the best timing in hindsight but I was afraid I would lose my nerve. There is no doubt in my mind that we love each other but that fact is simply not enough. Not enough for me, that is. I should be clear on that. This was my choice and it was a choice that hurt someone that I love very much. I still hold on tight to the dream of til death do us part and as much as we do love each other we are just at totally different places in our lives.
It's funny that sports analogies have gone through mind all day. As a matter of fact that is how I broke it to him..."I'm calling it a ballgame." Yeh, not my best line but when my Daddy died and spoke at his funeral I spoke about learning everything I needed to know about life on the ballfield. So, in keeping with that train of thought, I feel like my life is the bottom of the ninth inning, two outs, and a full count, 3 balls and 2 strikes.....I don't have any more second chances in terms of relationships. That is my perception of course so this last swing I have to make count. I have and will continue to work hard on myself and conquering my demons. These last 7 months have taught me so much but it has been a roller coaster ride. So, I had to step out of the batters box today.
It was the best decision for me at this time but boy does it hurt like hell right now. I do know that this feeling will pass eventually but feeling lonely in a relationship is a pain does not go away. Not only does it not go away, it destroys you in the process. It destroys your self esteem, motivation, and it blows out the light in you like blowing out a candle. Ola, therapist extraordinaire, will say that this pain is a gift. It is a gift, but like I have said before it is like the Energizer Bunny, it just keeps giving and giving and giving. I really do hate that damn bunny. But I also believe that if I keep going on the path that I am on right now I will eventually get what I want but more importantly I will get what I need.
So, all the single ladies.........I'm back out there with ya and I am proud of myself for making this decision.
It's funny that sports analogies have gone through mind all day. As a matter of fact that is how I broke it to him..."I'm calling it a ballgame." Yeh, not my best line but when my Daddy died and spoke at his funeral I spoke about learning everything I needed to know about life on the ballfield. So, in keeping with that train of thought, I feel like my life is the bottom of the ninth inning, two outs, and a full count, 3 balls and 2 strikes.....I don't have any more second chances in terms of relationships. That is my perception of course so this last swing I have to make count. I have and will continue to work hard on myself and conquering my demons. These last 7 months have taught me so much but it has been a roller coaster ride. So, I had to step out of the batters box today.
It was the best decision for me at this time but boy does it hurt like hell right now. I do know that this feeling will pass eventually but feeling lonely in a relationship is a pain does not go away. Not only does it not go away, it destroys you in the process. It destroys your self esteem, motivation, and it blows out the light in you like blowing out a candle. Ola, therapist extraordinaire, will say that this pain is a gift. It is a gift, but like I have said before it is like the Energizer Bunny, it just keeps giving and giving and giving. I really do hate that damn bunny. But I also believe that if I keep going on the path that I am on right now I will eventually get what I want but more importantly I will get what I need.
So, all the single ladies.........I'm back out there with ya and I am proud of myself for making this decision.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
The Sun, the Moon, and Stars
It is unbelievable the difference a day can make. I know that we have all said that many times but never has it been a truer statement for me than today. My journey to.......what to even call it.....emotional health or maturity has been slow and painful and painfully slow. Well, that's my perception, I imagine that Ola would disagree. "Nothing" and feeling like a "nobody" was the overwhelming feeling that came over me last night. Anxiety and exhaustion from not sleeping last night was the order of business today but I was at school and I feel somewhat competent there. I walked in the door tonight to find a package on my cabinet. Now, Christmas on a single teacher's income did me in, so I knew that I did not order this. I had no idea what it was or who it was from. I took it upstairs to my room, closed and locked the door because I really did not know what was in the package, and opened it. What I saw immediately brought me to tears. In the box, was a beautiful charm for my Pandora bracelet, the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars and this lovely and delicate flower spacer.
Now, some of you may roll your eyes, but I bet most of you just let out an "awww". I have to tell you that it is the sweetest, most romantic, thoughtful thing that anyone has ever done for me. In that moment, I have never in my life felt more loved in my life and at the same time so unworthy. I never dreamed that having a dream come true could be so beautiful and so painful all at the same time. It is proof positive that I still have a long way to go on my journey but if I trust the process and continue on there will be some really gems along the way.
Jeff will want to choke me for writing all of this sappy emotional stuff and is probably turning 15 shades of red reading this and my facebook post but he deserves this recognition. His path has not been the easiest either. I can only speak for me but if all of the pain, disappointment, loss, and turmoil is what it took to get me to this moment and to this place with this man then it was all worth it and I would do it all over again.
Now, some of you may roll your eyes, but I bet most of you just let out an "awww". I have to tell you that it is the sweetest, most romantic, thoughtful thing that anyone has ever done for me. In that moment, I have never in my life felt more loved in my life and at the same time so unworthy. I never dreamed that having a dream come true could be so beautiful and so painful all at the same time. It is proof positive that I still have a long way to go on my journey but if I trust the process and continue on there will be some really gems along the way.
Jeff will want to choke me for writing all of this sappy emotional stuff and is probably turning 15 shades of red reading this and my facebook post but he deserves this recognition. His path has not been the easiest either. I can only speak for me but if all of the pain, disappointment, loss, and turmoil is what it took to get me to this moment and to this place with this man then it was all worth it and I would do it all over again.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Sleep won't come but the tears will....
Mr. Sandman bring me a dream...have you ever thought about what that really means? I am thinking of that tonight as I sit in the dark, in my bed listening to the sound of Noah sleeping next to me. It seems that he is very intune to his mother and her moods if you will. I suspect he sensed my apprehension and eventual devastation and wanted too, in his 9 year old way, comfort me. Bring me a dream....such a simple statement but do we really want a dream and if we really want it, is it best for us? I suppose it depends on what the dream is, for instance, I dream of having a PhD one day and if I am really honest I want it in counseling and I want it from the University of Alabama. It is simply not practical for me, at a cost of over $900 a semester hour. What is possible is a EdD. in special education at a rate of just over $300 a semester hour which is cheaper than what I am paying now and in an area near and dear to my heart. That dream is one that is doable and pleasant but requires hard work.
What about the dreams we have that are painful? Confused by that question, you shouldn't be we all have them. You know, they are the ones where we dream that "he" our Prince Charming will sweep us off our feet and we will live happily ever after. We all have those dreams. That dream, well, a more realistic version of it is what keeps me awake this very night. You see, I recently took a huge risk, the details are not important, but it was a huge emotional risk and initially I thought that it had paid off and my dream would come true. What I failed to consider was the possibility that nothing would happen. And you guessed it....nothing happened. I was prepared for my dream to be a reality and I was prepared for my dream not to come to fruition. I was not prepared for the space in between. The nothingness for lack of a better expression.
The word NOTHING, have you ever thought about what it means? According to Webster, one definition is "not any thing, no thing." Another "no part." The one that causes me incredible pain is "one of no interest, value or consequence." Try has I might not to get hung up on that version of nothing, hung is exactly what I am. Nothing happened so therefore I must mean nothing and be of no value or consequence. Now, I am analytical enough to know that while those are the definitions for the word, there are an infinite number of possibilities why nothing happened but the emotional side of me focuses on "of no value or consequence." Ola would say that is a very young feeling and she would be exactly right and what do young children do a lot of.......you guessed it, crying. So cry I did and all it got me was a headache, stuffy nose and really sore under my eyes.
So, I dried up my tears and decided to write. Pain is the gift that precedes growth. I do believe that but is there a way to numb the pain. Will growth be the thing that eases the pain? If so, then can I grow quickly so that the hurt is taken away? I wish that I could and actually I wish that everybody could. I wish for an EASY button. I hope that those of you who read this blog will get something out of it especially this blog and the previous one because both were written at a time of great struggle for me. I hope that my hurt will not be in vain but will be what I need to one, grow myself and two, somehow be a help to someone else. I hope there is a point to my pain that is beyond just me.
I think for tonight I am going pass on asking Mr. Sandman to bring me a dream but rather ask for Divine Order and a peace that passes all understanding. Maybe dreams need to be on hold for a while.
What about the dreams we have that are painful? Confused by that question, you shouldn't be we all have them. You know, they are the ones where we dream that "he" our Prince Charming will sweep us off our feet and we will live happily ever after. We all have those dreams. That dream, well, a more realistic version of it is what keeps me awake this very night. You see, I recently took a huge risk, the details are not important, but it was a huge emotional risk and initially I thought that it had paid off and my dream would come true. What I failed to consider was the possibility that nothing would happen. And you guessed it....nothing happened. I was prepared for my dream to be a reality and I was prepared for my dream not to come to fruition. I was not prepared for the space in between. The nothingness for lack of a better expression.
The word NOTHING, have you ever thought about what it means? According to Webster, one definition is "not any thing, no thing." Another "no part." The one that causes me incredible pain is "one of no interest, value or consequence." Try has I might not to get hung up on that version of nothing, hung is exactly what I am. Nothing happened so therefore I must mean nothing and be of no value or consequence. Now, I am analytical enough to know that while those are the definitions for the word, there are an infinite number of possibilities why nothing happened but the emotional side of me focuses on "of no value or consequence." Ola would say that is a very young feeling and she would be exactly right and what do young children do a lot of.......you guessed it, crying. So cry I did and all it got me was a headache, stuffy nose and really sore under my eyes.
So, I dried up my tears and decided to write. Pain is the gift that precedes growth. I do believe that but is there a way to numb the pain. Will growth be the thing that eases the pain? If so, then can I grow quickly so that the hurt is taken away? I wish that I could and actually I wish that everybody could. I wish for an EASY button. I hope that those of you who read this blog will get something out of it especially this blog and the previous one because both were written at a time of great struggle for me. I hope that my hurt will not be in vain but will be what I need to one, grow myself and two, somehow be a help to someone else. I hope there is a point to my pain that is beyond just me.
I think for tonight I am going pass on asking Mr. Sandman to bring me a dream but rather ask for Divine Order and a peace that passes all understanding. Maybe dreams need to be on hold for a while.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Diary of a Crazy white woman
So. its been a while since I have written. I have kind of been a little busy with kids and a relationship. The new year has gotten me thinking about a lot of things. It seems that the beginning of the year is supposed to be a happy time. I am not always feeling so happy at the start of a new year. This year in particular has been difficult. Last year, I was glad to start a new year because the death of my Dad was really rough and on some level I thought beginning a new year would make that easier. It did not make it any easier.
I have worked so hard this past year on myself. Harder than I have worked on anything in my entire life and that is saying a lot because if you know me at all you know that I am a hard worker. It has been at times unbelievably painful but Ola has continued to preach that pain is a gift that precedes change. I think I get it finally that it is a gift. It is a gift that sometimes just keeps on giving like that damn Energizer bunny but a gift. I can honestly say that in that department I have received many gifts this past year.
Recently, I hurt someone that I care very deeply for. Someone that I probably care for differently more deeply than I have cared for anyone in a long time if ever. It was truly a misunderstanding that led to both parties defending their own pain and old wounds. I however did what I apparently have decided is the thing to do these days and I left. I ended up waking up my brother and sister in law so that I could stay with them because the thought of going home alone was too much. What I should have done was to take a step back, stay put and push for a conversation in the morning to discuss and resolve the issue. I, in my attempt to give the space that was needed, and avoid the drama caused more drama. I guess in reality I am a drama queen. This will be a new years' resolution for me to stop being a drama queen.
This all transpired right around the time that I recieved a compliment from two women. One came from a woman that I would say is a developing friend, who is having some personal issues right now and she said that she hoped that she could deal with these issues like me. I had to laugh because OMG am I not a role model for anyone on how to deal with anything. Hence the title of this blog. And then Ola, who probably at this point knows me better than anyone, said to me that my soul was shining. I am moved to tears every time I think about that. She also said that she could just imagine that I was a wonderful friend, mother, girlfriend, neighbor, so committed to self awareness and doing right by others.
Funny that I feel like a failure at all of those things. My neighbors here do not like me at all, my friendships have changed so much this year and I have two failed love relationships and probably if the truth be told I am in the process of ruining this one too, it just hasn't happened yet and I feel like I daily fail my children.
So my question is this......am I a crazy white woman? Do other people struggle with these things? I look at people and I think that they all have life and relationships figured out and I cannot seem to get a handle on anything. I guess I must cover it pretty well if there is even one person who wants to handle anything the way I do.
I think another new years resolution for me needs to be to see myself in a little better light and maybe that change my attitude toward this new beginning. Right now I am not feeling so happy and optimistic and definitely not wanting to party and celebrate. Any comments you have would be welcome. And, because it is customary, Happy New Year.
I have worked so hard this past year on myself. Harder than I have worked on anything in my entire life and that is saying a lot because if you know me at all you know that I am a hard worker. It has been at times unbelievably painful but Ola has continued to preach that pain is a gift that precedes change. I think I get it finally that it is a gift. It is a gift that sometimes just keeps on giving like that damn Energizer bunny but a gift. I can honestly say that in that department I have received many gifts this past year.
Recently, I hurt someone that I care very deeply for. Someone that I probably care for differently more deeply than I have cared for anyone in a long time if ever. It was truly a misunderstanding that led to both parties defending their own pain and old wounds. I however did what I apparently have decided is the thing to do these days and I left. I ended up waking up my brother and sister in law so that I could stay with them because the thought of going home alone was too much. What I should have done was to take a step back, stay put and push for a conversation in the morning to discuss and resolve the issue. I, in my attempt to give the space that was needed, and avoid the drama caused more drama. I guess in reality I am a drama queen. This will be a new years' resolution for me to stop being a drama queen.
This all transpired right around the time that I recieved a compliment from two women. One came from a woman that I would say is a developing friend, who is having some personal issues right now and she said that she hoped that she could deal with these issues like me. I had to laugh because OMG am I not a role model for anyone on how to deal with anything. Hence the title of this blog. And then Ola, who probably at this point knows me better than anyone, said to me that my soul was shining. I am moved to tears every time I think about that. She also said that she could just imagine that I was a wonderful friend, mother, girlfriend, neighbor, so committed to self awareness and doing right by others.
Funny that I feel like a failure at all of those things. My neighbors here do not like me at all, my friendships have changed so much this year and I have two failed love relationships and probably if the truth be told I am in the process of ruining this one too, it just hasn't happened yet and I feel like I daily fail my children.
So my question is this......am I a crazy white woman? Do other people struggle with these things? I look at people and I think that they all have life and relationships figured out and I cannot seem to get a handle on anything. I guess I must cover it pretty well if there is even one person who wants to handle anything the way I do.
I think another new years resolution for me needs to be to see myself in a little better light and maybe that change my attitude toward this new beginning. Right now I am not feeling so happy and optimistic and definitely not wanting to party and celebrate. Any comments you have would be welcome. And, because it is customary, Happy New Year.
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