That song has been playing in my head all day long. This got me to thinking about the heart. The heart is responsible for pumping blood through the body, it is not at all like the brain which controls every single bodily function as well as being the source of our physical, emotional, and spiritual being. So, why is it that when we hurt, we say we are heartbroken? Why is it that our chests physically ache when we are hurting? I certainly don't know the answer. What I do know is that when I start to heal, my chest starts to feel better. My breathing is easier, the heartbeat steadier, and even my throat feels more open and normal again.
This weekend, my heart ached, for more than just my situation. It ached because I miss my Daddy, it ached for my two dear friends who are in so much pain right now and I am helpless to anything about it but mostly it ached for a love lost. I was oh so tempted to make a phone call and I must admit some other grand gestures to demonstrate the depth of my love which only would have resulted in making me look like a complete fool, all in an attempt to make the tightness and ache in my chest go away. No amount of breathing, exercising, talking or meditating would ease that ache. Now, the ache that I talking about is not one that is physically so painful that we cannot deal. It is simply uncomfortable from a physical stand point but emotionally for me anyway it is more than I feel like I can bare at times yet suprisingly I do bare it and I survive.
Today, I woke up feeling like I had survived to an extent, the weekend alone without 4 kids to care for and going back to a very busy and challenging job. I walked this afternoon with some friends and did some Fit Deck exercises, came home worked on homework, ran some errands, and did dinner. Driving home from dropping Jackson off at the Lodge, and what would play on my IPod but Adele. Her music while beautiful touches me in a profound way. I should have been smart and changed it but somehow I just couldn't. "Let me your one and only..." so the song goes, "I promise of I'm worthy...." And in that moment the heartache came rushing back and I could not stop the tears. The difference this time is that I did something that was right for me, in the long run, though painful now and that I had the courage thus far anyway to follow through with that decision.
In a weak moment yesterday, I emailed Ola, Therapist Extraordinaire, to say that I was tempted to call and make a complete fool of myself knowing that come Tuesday she would ask me about it and I would have to tell the truth. I figured that would keep me from making the call and I was right. But what she replied to me was something that I had never ever considered before. She said that this was not so much an issue of making a fool of myself but rather of self-respect and how could I expect respect if I did not model it myself? Needless to say that gave me pause and something to think about it.
I know that there are a lot of you out there struggling with your own demons and heartache. If I could pass along one thing to you it would be to consider respecting yourself. I think women more than men are so other oriented that we do not respect ourselves. I am still working on exactly how to do that so as I learn some techniques you know I will pass them on.....no matter how personal. I refuse to be ashamed of the heartache anymore. I am human and I make mistakes and I hurt very deeply.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
How much is too much to share....
This past week I received some feedback from my blog that suggested that I share information that is too personal. I have thought a lot about that this week and have come to the conclusion that I am going to continue to share personal information. If you are reading this and find that this is a problem for you then I respectfully ask that you stop reading it. I will not divulge information about others actions, thoughts, feelings, etc. without their permission first. This blog is all about me and how I feel. My journey in life has been one with a lot of pain, heartache, and adversity. This is not unusual. We have all experienced these things. What I hope to accomplish in myself is an openness and acceptance of my past, present and future.
People with terminal illnesses create Caringbridge websites and get support and encourgagement from people they have never met before as well as friends and family. This is not only acceptable but it is encouraged. When we think about emotional health, we are not encourgaged to share, in fact if anything there is a certain amount of shame in admitting heartache and the need for some help dealing with emotions. Kind of like the idea that men shouldn't cry. I am guilty of this belief especially when it comes to football. But, what I am finding is that we have to be proud of who we are. And who we are includes the heartache, pain, mistakes, joy, happiness, loss, grief, fear, and shame that we have experienced in our lives.
I am not good at healthy relationships. I am working so very hard to change that and break the cycle so that my kids will not have to carry that burden and for myself so that I can find that Til Death Do Us Part love that I really want. I am not going to be ashamed of the hurt I feel and I will continue to share it. The responses that I have gotten from some of my blogs have given me the strength to carry on just for one more day. And the responses that I have gotten from people who are encouraged by my words makes the pain I experience purposeful and it makes it make a little sense.
I have had the great honor and privilege to be supportive and encouraging to two friends who are struggling in their respective relationships right now. One is an old friend and the other a new, but in both cases I have been able to do, say, and be what they both needed as a result of my own life experiences. I found that I took a certain amount of pride in that and decided that I would no longer hide behind the shame and pain.
At the end of the day, we are all humans who wish to love and to be loved. We are not nearly as different as we like to think. So, for those of you who think this is too much.... I again say with the upmost respect, please stop reading my blog. To those who simply cannot believe that I would share such personal information.... stop being surprised. I have shared the loss of relationships, a parent, dreams, and I have shared daily struggles on this blog. It is all deeply personal and sharing it helps me to make sense out things and it encourgages others.
People with terminal illnesses create Caringbridge websites and get support and encourgagement from people they have never met before as well as friends and family. This is not only acceptable but it is encouraged. When we think about emotional health, we are not encourgaged to share, in fact if anything there is a certain amount of shame in admitting heartache and the need for some help dealing with emotions. Kind of like the idea that men shouldn't cry. I am guilty of this belief especially when it comes to football. But, what I am finding is that we have to be proud of who we are. And who we are includes the heartache, pain, mistakes, joy, happiness, loss, grief, fear, and shame that we have experienced in our lives.
I am not good at healthy relationships. I am working so very hard to change that and break the cycle so that my kids will not have to carry that burden and for myself so that I can find that Til Death Do Us Part love that I really want. I am not going to be ashamed of the hurt I feel and I will continue to share it. The responses that I have gotten from some of my blogs have given me the strength to carry on just for one more day. And the responses that I have gotten from people who are encouraged by my words makes the pain I experience purposeful and it makes it make a little sense.
I have had the great honor and privilege to be supportive and encouraging to two friends who are struggling in their respective relationships right now. One is an old friend and the other a new, but in both cases I have been able to do, say, and be what they both needed as a result of my own life experiences. I found that I took a certain amount of pride in that and decided that I would no longer hide behind the shame and pain.
At the end of the day, we are all humans who wish to love and to be loved. We are not nearly as different as we like to think. So, for those of you who think this is too much.... I again say with the upmost respect, please stop reading my blog. To those who simply cannot believe that I would share such personal information.... stop being surprised. I have shared the loss of relationships, a parent, dreams, and I have shared daily struggles on this blog. It is all deeply personal and sharing it helps me to make sense out things and it encourgages others.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
What's Love Got To Do With it?
We all know the song by Tina Turner "What's Love Got To Do With it?" I think she calls it a second hand emotion. That song has been playing in my head all evening. If you noticed my status change on Facebook then you know that it has changed. I know doubt hurt Jeff by posting that but I needed the accountability. I ended our relationship today, this morning actually, not the best timing in hindsight but I was afraid I would lose my nerve. There is no doubt in my mind that we love each other but that fact is simply not enough. Not enough for me, that is. I should be clear on that. This was my choice and it was a choice that hurt someone that I love very much. I still hold on tight to the dream of til death do us part and as much as we do love each other we are just at totally different places in our lives.
It's funny that sports analogies have gone through mind all day. As a matter of fact that is how I broke it to him..."I'm calling it a ballgame." Yeh, not my best line but when my Daddy died and spoke at his funeral I spoke about learning everything I needed to know about life on the ballfield. So, in keeping with that train of thought, I feel like my life is the bottom of the ninth inning, two outs, and a full count, 3 balls and 2 strikes.....I don't have any more second chances in terms of relationships. That is my perception of course so this last swing I have to make count. I have and will continue to work hard on myself and conquering my demons. These last 7 months have taught me so much but it has been a roller coaster ride. So, I had to step out of the batters box today.
It was the best decision for me at this time but boy does it hurt like hell right now. I do know that this feeling will pass eventually but feeling lonely in a relationship is a pain does not go away. Not only does it not go away, it destroys you in the process. It destroys your self esteem, motivation, and it blows out the light in you like blowing out a candle. Ola, therapist extraordinaire, will say that this pain is a gift. It is a gift, but like I have said before it is like the Energizer Bunny, it just keeps giving and giving and giving. I really do hate that damn bunny. But I also believe that if I keep going on the path that I am on right now I will eventually get what I want but more importantly I will get what I need.
So, all the single ladies.........I'm back out there with ya and I am proud of myself for making this decision.
It's funny that sports analogies have gone through mind all day. As a matter of fact that is how I broke it to him..."I'm calling it a ballgame." Yeh, not my best line but when my Daddy died and spoke at his funeral I spoke about learning everything I needed to know about life on the ballfield. So, in keeping with that train of thought, I feel like my life is the bottom of the ninth inning, two outs, and a full count, 3 balls and 2 strikes.....I don't have any more second chances in terms of relationships. That is my perception of course so this last swing I have to make count. I have and will continue to work hard on myself and conquering my demons. These last 7 months have taught me so much but it has been a roller coaster ride. So, I had to step out of the batters box today.
It was the best decision for me at this time but boy does it hurt like hell right now. I do know that this feeling will pass eventually but feeling lonely in a relationship is a pain does not go away. Not only does it not go away, it destroys you in the process. It destroys your self esteem, motivation, and it blows out the light in you like blowing out a candle. Ola, therapist extraordinaire, will say that this pain is a gift. It is a gift, but like I have said before it is like the Energizer Bunny, it just keeps giving and giving and giving. I really do hate that damn bunny. But I also believe that if I keep going on the path that I am on right now I will eventually get what I want but more importantly I will get what I need.
So, all the single ladies.........I'm back out there with ya and I am proud of myself for making this decision.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
The Sun, the Moon, and Stars
It is unbelievable the difference a day can make. I know that we have all said that many times but never has it been a truer statement for me than today. My journey to.......what to even call it.....emotional health or maturity has been slow and painful and painfully slow. Well, that's my perception, I imagine that Ola would disagree. "Nothing" and feeling like a "nobody" was the overwhelming feeling that came over me last night. Anxiety and exhaustion from not sleeping last night was the order of business today but I was at school and I feel somewhat competent there. I walked in the door tonight to find a package on my cabinet. Now, Christmas on a single teacher's income did me in, so I knew that I did not order this. I had no idea what it was or who it was from. I took it upstairs to my room, closed and locked the door because I really did not know what was in the package, and opened it. What I saw immediately brought me to tears. In the box, was a beautiful charm for my Pandora bracelet, the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars and this lovely and delicate flower spacer.
Now, some of you may roll your eyes, but I bet most of you just let out an "awww". I have to tell you that it is the sweetest, most romantic, thoughtful thing that anyone has ever done for me. In that moment, I have never in my life felt more loved in my life and at the same time so unworthy. I never dreamed that having a dream come true could be so beautiful and so painful all at the same time. It is proof positive that I still have a long way to go on my journey but if I trust the process and continue on there will be some really gems along the way.
Jeff will want to choke me for writing all of this sappy emotional stuff and is probably turning 15 shades of red reading this and my facebook post but he deserves this recognition. His path has not been the easiest either. I can only speak for me but if all of the pain, disappointment, loss, and turmoil is what it took to get me to this moment and to this place with this man then it was all worth it and I would do it all over again.
Now, some of you may roll your eyes, but I bet most of you just let out an "awww". I have to tell you that it is the sweetest, most romantic, thoughtful thing that anyone has ever done for me. In that moment, I have never in my life felt more loved in my life and at the same time so unworthy. I never dreamed that having a dream come true could be so beautiful and so painful all at the same time. It is proof positive that I still have a long way to go on my journey but if I trust the process and continue on there will be some really gems along the way.
Jeff will want to choke me for writing all of this sappy emotional stuff and is probably turning 15 shades of red reading this and my facebook post but he deserves this recognition. His path has not been the easiest either. I can only speak for me but if all of the pain, disappointment, loss, and turmoil is what it took to get me to this moment and to this place with this man then it was all worth it and I would do it all over again.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Sleep won't come but the tears will....
Mr. Sandman bring me a dream...have you ever thought about what that really means? I am thinking of that tonight as I sit in the dark, in my bed listening to the sound of Noah sleeping next to me. It seems that he is very intune to his mother and her moods if you will. I suspect he sensed my apprehension and eventual devastation and wanted too, in his 9 year old way, comfort me. Bring me a dream....such a simple statement but do we really want a dream and if we really want it, is it best for us? I suppose it depends on what the dream is, for instance, I dream of having a PhD one day and if I am really honest I want it in counseling and I want it from the University of Alabama. It is simply not practical for me, at a cost of over $900 a semester hour. What is possible is a EdD. in special education at a rate of just over $300 a semester hour which is cheaper than what I am paying now and in an area near and dear to my heart. That dream is one that is doable and pleasant but requires hard work.
What about the dreams we have that are painful? Confused by that question, you shouldn't be we all have them. You know, they are the ones where we dream that "he" our Prince Charming will sweep us off our feet and we will live happily ever after. We all have those dreams. That dream, well, a more realistic version of it is what keeps me awake this very night. You see, I recently took a huge risk, the details are not important, but it was a huge emotional risk and initially I thought that it had paid off and my dream would come true. What I failed to consider was the possibility that nothing would happen. And you guessed it....nothing happened. I was prepared for my dream to be a reality and I was prepared for my dream not to come to fruition. I was not prepared for the space in between. The nothingness for lack of a better expression.
The word NOTHING, have you ever thought about what it means? According to Webster, one definition is "not any thing, no thing." Another "no part." The one that causes me incredible pain is "one of no interest, value or consequence." Try has I might not to get hung up on that version of nothing, hung is exactly what I am. Nothing happened so therefore I must mean nothing and be of no value or consequence. Now, I am analytical enough to know that while those are the definitions for the word, there are an infinite number of possibilities why nothing happened but the emotional side of me focuses on "of no value or consequence." Ola would say that is a very young feeling and she would be exactly right and what do young children do a lot of.......you guessed it, crying. So cry I did and all it got me was a headache, stuffy nose and really sore under my eyes.
So, I dried up my tears and decided to write. Pain is the gift that precedes growth. I do believe that but is there a way to numb the pain. Will growth be the thing that eases the pain? If so, then can I grow quickly so that the hurt is taken away? I wish that I could and actually I wish that everybody could. I wish for an EASY button. I hope that those of you who read this blog will get something out of it especially this blog and the previous one because both were written at a time of great struggle for me. I hope that my hurt will not be in vain but will be what I need to one, grow myself and two, somehow be a help to someone else. I hope there is a point to my pain that is beyond just me.
I think for tonight I am going pass on asking Mr. Sandman to bring me a dream but rather ask for Divine Order and a peace that passes all understanding. Maybe dreams need to be on hold for a while.
What about the dreams we have that are painful? Confused by that question, you shouldn't be we all have them. You know, they are the ones where we dream that "he" our Prince Charming will sweep us off our feet and we will live happily ever after. We all have those dreams. That dream, well, a more realistic version of it is what keeps me awake this very night. You see, I recently took a huge risk, the details are not important, but it was a huge emotional risk and initially I thought that it had paid off and my dream would come true. What I failed to consider was the possibility that nothing would happen. And you guessed it....nothing happened. I was prepared for my dream to be a reality and I was prepared for my dream not to come to fruition. I was not prepared for the space in between. The nothingness for lack of a better expression.
The word NOTHING, have you ever thought about what it means? According to Webster, one definition is "not any thing, no thing." Another "no part." The one that causes me incredible pain is "one of no interest, value or consequence." Try has I might not to get hung up on that version of nothing, hung is exactly what I am. Nothing happened so therefore I must mean nothing and be of no value or consequence. Now, I am analytical enough to know that while those are the definitions for the word, there are an infinite number of possibilities why nothing happened but the emotional side of me focuses on "of no value or consequence." Ola would say that is a very young feeling and she would be exactly right and what do young children do a lot of.......you guessed it, crying. So cry I did and all it got me was a headache, stuffy nose and really sore under my eyes.
So, I dried up my tears and decided to write. Pain is the gift that precedes growth. I do believe that but is there a way to numb the pain. Will growth be the thing that eases the pain? If so, then can I grow quickly so that the hurt is taken away? I wish that I could and actually I wish that everybody could. I wish for an EASY button. I hope that those of you who read this blog will get something out of it especially this blog and the previous one because both were written at a time of great struggle for me. I hope that my hurt will not be in vain but will be what I need to one, grow myself and two, somehow be a help to someone else. I hope there is a point to my pain that is beyond just me.
I think for tonight I am going pass on asking Mr. Sandman to bring me a dream but rather ask for Divine Order and a peace that passes all understanding. Maybe dreams need to be on hold for a while.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Diary of a Crazy white woman
So. its been a while since I have written. I have kind of been a little busy with kids and a relationship. The new year has gotten me thinking about a lot of things. It seems that the beginning of the year is supposed to be a happy time. I am not always feeling so happy at the start of a new year. This year in particular has been difficult. Last year, I was glad to start a new year because the death of my Dad was really rough and on some level I thought beginning a new year would make that easier. It did not make it any easier.
I have worked so hard this past year on myself. Harder than I have worked on anything in my entire life and that is saying a lot because if you know me at all you know that I am a hard worker. It has been at times unbelievably painful but Ola has continued to preach that pain is a gift that precedes change. I think I get it finally that it is a gift. It is a gift that sometimes just keeps on giving like that damn Energizer bunny but a gift. I can honestly say that in that department I have received many gifts this past year.
Recently, I hurt someone that I care very deeply for. Someone that I probably care for differently more deeply than I have cared for anyone in a long time if ever. It was truly a misunderstanding that led to both parties defending their own pain and old wounds. I however did what I apparently have decided is the thing to do these days and I left. I ended up waking up my brother and sister in law so that I could stay with them because the thought of going home alone was too much. What I should have done was to take a step back, stay put and push for a conversation in the morning to discuss and resolve the issue. I, in my attempt to give the space that was needed, and avoid the drama caused more drama. I guess in reality I am a drama queen. This will be a new years' resolution for me to stop being a drama queen.
This all transpired right around the time that I recieved a compliment from two women. One came from a woman that I would say is a developing friend, who is having some personal issues right now and she said that she hoped that she could deal with these issues like me. I had to laugh because OMG am I not a role model for anyone on how to deal with anything. Hence the title of this blog. And then Ola, who probably at this point knows me better than anyone, said to me that my soul was shining. I am moved to tears every time I think about that. She also said that she could just imagine that I was a wonderful friend, mother, girlfriend, neighbor, so committed to self awareness and doing right by others.
Funny that I feel like a failure at all of those things. My neighbors here do not like me at all, my friendships have changed so much this year and I have two failed love relationships and probably if the truth be told I am in the process of ruining this one too, it just hasn't happened yet and I feel like I daily fail my children.
So my question is this......am I a crazy white woman? Do other people struggle with these things? I look at people and I think that they all have life and relationships figured out and I cannot seem to get a handle on anything. I guess I must cover it pretty well if there is even one person who wants to handle anything the way I do.
I think another new years resolution for me needs to be to see myself in a little better light and maybe that change my attitude toward this new beginning. Right now I am not feeling so happy and optimistic and definitely not wanting to party and celebrate. Any comments you have would be welcome. And, because it is customary, Happy New Year.
I have worked so hard this past year on myself. Harder than I have worked on anything in my entire life and that is saying a lot because if you know me at all you know that I am a hard worker. It has been at times unbelievably painful but Ola has continued to preach that pain is a gift that precedes change. I think I get it finally that it is a gift. It is a gift that sometimes just keeps on giving like that damn Energizer bunny but a gift. I can honestly say that in that department I have received many gifts this past year.
Recently, I hurt someone that I care very deeply for. Someone that I probably care for differently more deeply than I have cared for anyone in a long time if ever. It was truly a misunderstanding that led to both parties defending their own pain and old wounds. I however did what I apparently have decided is the thing to do these days and I left. I ended up waking up my brother and sister in law so that I could stay with them because the thought of going home alone was too much. What I should have done was to take a step back, stay put and push for a conversation in the morning to discuss and resolve the issue. I, in my attempt to give the space that was needed, and avoid the drama caused more drama. I guess in reality I am a drama queen. This will be a new years' resolution for me to stop being a drama queen.
This all transpired right around the time that I recieved a compliment from two women. One came from a woman that I would say is a developing friend, who is having some personal issues right now and she said that she hoped that she could deal with these issues like me. I had to laugh because OMG am I not a role model for anyone on how to deal with anything. Hence the title of this blog. And then Ola, who probably at this point knows me better than anyone, said to me that my soul was shining. I am moved to tears every time I think about that. She also said that she could just imagine that I was a wonderful friend, mother, girlfriend, neighbor, so committed to self awareness and doing right by others.
Funny that I feel like a failure at all of those things. My neighbors here do not like me at all, my friendships have changed so much this year and I have two failed love relationships and probably if the truth be told I am in the process of ruining this one too, it just hasn't happened yet and I feel like I daily fail my children.
So my question is this......am I a crazy white woman? Do other people struggle with these things? I look at people and I think that they all have life and relationships figured out and I cannot seem to get a handle on anything. I guess I must cover it pretty well if there is even one person who wants to handle anything the way I do.
I think another new years resolution for me needs to be to see myself in a little better light and maybe that change my attitude toward this new beginning. Right now I am not feeling so happy and optimistic and definitely not wanting to party and celebrate. Any comments you have would be welcome. And, because it is customary, Happy New Year.
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